


Everything, Always

by Pseudonymoose



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Asexual Character, Asexual Obi-Wan Kenobi, Consent, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Obi-Wan Kenobi Needs a Hug, Past Padmé Amidala/Anakin Skywalker, Protective Anakin Skywalker, Relationship Negotiation, Secret Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-22
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-03-12 17:15:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,105
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29637969
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pseudonymoose/pseuds/Pseudonymoose
Summary: Their relationship has always been a collection of compromises. This is just another.Anakin is willing to make it. The problem lies in convincing Obi-Wan to let him.
Relationships: Obi-Wan Kenobi/Anakin Skywalker
Comments: 24
Kudos: 141





	Everything, Always

They were kissing on Anakin’s bunk, Obi-Wan sprawled beneath him, fingers tangled in Anakin’s hair. Anakin whimpered as Obi-Wan’s nails brushed across his scalp. He forced his knee between Obi-Wan’s thighs and broke the kiss, bending lower to scrape his teeth down the side of Obi-Wan’s neck.

Obi-Wan moaned. “Anakin…”

Anakin slid his gloveless right hand under Obi-Wan’s tunic and preened at the shiver it elicited.

“Anakin,” Obi-Wan gasped again.

“Tell me what you want,” Anakin whispered against his throat. He nipped at it, barely restraining himself from leaving a mark.

He knew what _he_ wanted. He wanted to take Obi-Wan apart, piece by piece, until the great and unflappable General Kenobi could not remember his own name.

Obi-Wan’s hands fell from his hair to push at his shoulders. “Anakin, _stop_.”

Anakin stopped.

He removed his right arm from Obi-Wan’s tunic and rolled off him onto the mattress. There wasn’t much room, but Anakin scooted back as far as he could without falling onto the floor. Obi-Wan lay still, breathing heavily, his eyes closed and his arms folded on his chest. The sight cooled Anakin’s blood faster than the coldest shower.

Anakin wasn’t sure what he had done, what had made Obi-Wan want him to stop, but the precise transgression was of little importance. He knew that his tendency to get caught up in the moment wasn’t limited to the battlefield. For Obi-Wan’s sake, that had to change.

He lightly touched Obi-Wan’s sleeve. “Sorry.”

“Don’t,” Obi-Wan said. “It wasn’t you.”

If that was supposed to make Anakin feel better, it failed. “I pushed you,” he said.

“I wanted to be pushed.” Obi-Wan found Anakin’s other hand, the flesh one, where it rested between them on the bunk. He squeezed it tentatively, and Anakin squeezed back.

“It’s alright,” Anakin said.

“I know.” Obi-Wan sounded unsure.

Anakin sat up and rubbed circles into Obi-Wan’s clothed forearm. “Hey. It’s alright.”

Obi-Wan’s eyes opened. The only word that Anakin could think of to describe his expression was forlorn, and he hated it. That word did not belong anywhere near Obi-Wan.

“I’m sorry,” Obi-Wan said.

It was Anakin’s turn to object. “You have nothing to apologise for. I’m the one who went too far.”

“No—”

“ _Yes_ ,” Anakin said. “You have limits, and that’s okay.”

Obi-Wan let go of his hand and turned away from him, facing the wall. Anakin sighed. Shutting him out wouldn’t help either of them; it never did.

“Stop beating yourself up over something that you can’t control,” Anakin told him. “And stop trying to feel miserable and useless. You know that only makes me feel miserable and useless.”

No response.

Anakin lay back down and curled around Obi-Wan, snaking an arm loosely over his waist and drawing his back against Anakin’s chest. It was like cuddling an oversized doll—Obi-Wan made no move to acknowledge him, but didn’t resist the proffered comfort. That was something.

“It’s not a problem,” Anakin said quietly. “I’m not annoyed. I told you to tell me to stop if you were uncomfortable, and you did. You did what you were supposed to do.” He pressed a single kiss to Obi-Wan’s hair.

Slowly, Obi-Wan relaxed. Anakin continued to hold him, leaving it for him to take the next step.

Relationships were not something that Anakin had much experience with. Jedi typically didn’t. There had been Padmé, but that hadn’t lasted long. Most of Anakin’s experience came from holovids, and stories, and snatched glimpses of other people’s lives. It was supposed to be simple, thoughtless and effortless. Falling in love had been. When it came to everything else, however, Anakin was out of his depth. It was complicated. Profoundly, infuriatingly, endlessly complicated.

Obi-Wan loved him. They were in love. They kissed behind closed doors. Touched knees beneath conference tables. Held hands where nobody could see. Spent stolen nights of rest in each other’s beds, wrapped in each other’s arms. Slipped away after every battle, every mission, taking precious time to reassure themselves that the other was alive and safe and there, still. All of these things were difficult, but perfect.

Few other things were. They argued; about the Code, the Council, the war, the Jedi. Anakin wanted to be open, to gamble the Council’s wrath against their individual and combined value to the Order. Obi-Wan didn’t. Anakin trusted the Chancellor, supported calls for greater militarisation and centralised government. Obi-Wan didn’t. They were both set in their opinions, unwavering in their convictions, and as stubborn as they had ever been. From the outset, their relationship had been founded on compromise.

Here was one such compromise. Anakin would not have called it the biggest, but for him at least, it was the hardest. Not because of any sacrifices he made, but because regardless of whether he made them or not, Obi-Wan was never satisfied. It seemed that Obi-Wan was constantly labouring under the impression that a sexual relationship meant more to Anakin than it actually did. Anakin’s assertions to the contrary kept falling on deaf ears.

“You deserve better than this,” Obi-Wan said, breaking the silence and Anakin’s heart.

“Don’t be stupid,” Anakin began, but Obi-Wan shushed him.

“Let me speak.” Obi-Wan shifted in Anakin’s hold. “I know that my feelings towards sex are unusual, even for a Jedi. You are not the same as me, Anakin, and that is no bad thing. Your wants and needs are not excessive, or presumptuous. We might even say that they are normal human desires, though I would hesitate to apply that term to you in any respect.” He was trying to joke, to make light of this, to brush the attention away from himself, and Anakin was far from amused. “You deserve to be in a relationship where those desires are met. You deserve to have me meet them.”

Patience was a slippery thing. Anakin just about kept his grasp on it, knowing that Obi-Wan needed it. Patience and calm.

“Obi-Wan, I love you.” They had been over this so many times. “I would die for you. I would _kill_ for you. You know how much you mean to me.” So many times, though not always in so many words. It was easier to be honest when Obi-Wan couldn’t see him, easier to be vulnerable when Obi-Wan wasn’t privy to the look that Anakin knew was on his face. “I love you,” he repeated. “This is more than I deserve, not less. I don’t need anything but this.”

“You want more,” Obi-Wan said.

Anakin pulled him closer. “It doesn’t matter—”

“It matters to me.” That much was obvious.

“Stop it,” Anakin muttered. How could he make Obi-Wan understand? “Just because I want something doesn’t mean I need to have it. When I was five, I wanted a pet rancor. Didn’t need one, sure as hell didn’t get one, and I survived.”

“I fail to see how that is remotely relevant,” Obi-Wan said.

Anakin sensed Obi-Wan’s hackles going up and cursed his automatic reversion to flippancy. “You’re right. Very bad analogy. Let me try again.”

“Must you?”

“I must.”

There had to be a way to frame the situation so that Obi-Wan would understand, without any belittlement. They couldn’t carry on like this. Anakin couldn’t keep watching Obi-Wan torture himself for no good reason. 

“Okay,” Anakin said. “So, you want me to talk respectfully about the Council, right? And I guess you’d really like it if I did, but you don’t _need_ me to. Sure, it would be nice, and you’d enjoy it, but it’s not a make-or-break kind of thing.” Anakin grimaced. “At least, I hope it isn’t.”

“It isn’t,” Obi-Wan said, with great weariness.

“Well, good. Because I have no plans to start talking respectfully about the Council.” Anakin felt Obi-Wan half-heartedly kick him in the shin. “The point is, that’s how I feel about having sex with you. It would be nice, but I’m fine if we don’t.”

“You say that,” Obi-Wan said, “but—”

“If you start trying to tell me how I should feel, I’m going to start calling you a hypocrite,” Anakin said. “I might not understand how you feel, or how this works for you, but I do respect that you know yourself. You know how you feel, and what you want, and what compromises you are happy to make. Just… offer me the same courtesy.”

Let that be enough. Let that be the end of it.

Obi-Wan was a natural diplomat, the famed Jedi Negotiator. Compromise and courtesy were his domain. If Anakin could grasp that people had to be trusted to know their own desires and wills, surely Obi-Wan could too. This had to be the time when it would sink in, when Obi-Wan would finally listen to what Anakin had been telling him from the moment the subject of sex had first arisen.

He was not expecting Obi-Wan to twist in his arms and start kissing him, passionately.

Anakin’s body begged for him to kiss back, but his head and his heart were stronger. He flattened his prosthetic hand against Obi-Wan’s sternum and turned his head to the side.

“ _No_ ,” he said. Obi-Wan followed him, and Anakin dodged. “No.”

“We can try again,” Obi-Wan said. “I can do it, Anakin. I will do it.” Anakin saw the blankness behind the desperation and his resolve strengthened. So did his despair.

“You don’t want to,” Anakin stated. Comprehension hit him like blaster fire, blunt and scorching. “You just think that I do.”

Obi-Wan made a noise of confusion. “Don’t you?”

A particular agony ripped through Anakin.

He did. Of course he did. But _never_ like—

“Not like this,” Anakin told him, emphatic. “Never like this. Do you understand? Obi-Wan, do you understand?”

Obi-Wan nodded, eyes wide. Anakin pulled him into a tight embrace.

Adrenaline pulsed in Anakin’s veins; not the hot thrum of a fight, but the icy sickness of horror. Obi-Wan thought that Anakin cared more about sex than about him. Obi-Wan thought that Anakin wouldn’t notice his disinterest, his disassociation, and would blithely carry on. That Anakin would _use_ him. What did that say about Anakin? What had he done, where had he failed so critically that Obi-Wan could ever think that about him?

Torn between screaming and sobbing, Anakin did neither. He had to fix this. He had to fix this now. 

“Yes, I want to have sex with you,” Anakin said, trying to keep his voice steady, “but only if you want it with me. Not because you feel that you ought to, or because you think it will make me happy, but because _you_ want it.” The adrenaline started to fade, giving him space to think. He had to get this right. “I will _always_ stand by our original agreement: we go slow, we stop if you want to stop, and we don’t do anything that you feel even the slightest bit uncomfortable with. We only do things if you want to do them, things that you enjoy and make you feel good.” For Anakin, that was the whole point. He wanted to give Obi-Wan pleasure. Anything else was secondary. “Are you still okay with that? Because it’s fine if you’re not.”

“I am,” Obi-Wan confirmed, speaking into Anakin’s shoulder. “Anakin, I’m sorry; I—”

“It’s okay,” Anakin said. It wasn’t, not remotely, but what else could he say? Obi-Wan needed the reassurance. “It’s okay.”

Obi-Wan collapsed against him, and Anakin stroked up and down his spine. He pretended not to feel the damp slowly seeping through his robes. Like a good Jedi, he let go of his guilt and hurt, his anger at Obi-Wan for putting him in such a position. The force carried it away, absolving and soothing. Anakin could sense that Obi-Wan was calming, which calmed him in turn.

Clarity dawned. This wasn’t about him. This was about Obi-Wan, Obi-Wan’s insecurities and fears, not anything that Anakin had or could or should have done.

It brought him no relief.

“We’ll try again tomorrow,” Obi-Wan offered. Impressively, his voice held no suggestion that he had been crying.

Anakin wasn’t having any of it. “We’ll try again tomorrow if, and only if, you feel at some point tomorrow that you want to try again. Emphasis on the _want_. I’m not letting you do anything out of some misplaced sense of obligation.”

“I’ve kept you waiting long enough already,” Obi-Wan protested, but Anakin wasn’t having that, either.

“I don’t care how long I have to wait,” he said. “I don’t care if we don’t have sex until the war is over, or we’re old and wrinkly, and Ahsoka’s future Padawan has their own Padawan. Kriff, I’m happy to wait until the rest of the Council finally get their heads out of their asses.”

Obi-Wan snorted softly. “Do you have a timeframe for that last one?”

“Yeah; the other side of never.”

It was intended to amuse, but Anakin ended up frowning. Never.

Never was a long time. Never spoke of permanency, was a choice far greater than compromise. But for Obi-Wan…

Anakin focused on the warm weight of Obi-Wan in his arms. The smell of the hair tickling his nose, the echo of endearments in his ears, the certainty of absolute trust in his very being. Everything.

It was a conscious realisation of the truth he had known all along, a truth so fundamental that it had never occurred to him to properly interrogate it. Obi-Wan was everything.

He was everything.

Next to that, never paled into insignificance.

“Never would be fine,” Anakin said, gently. “I’m okay with never.”

Obi-Wan stilled. “But you want—”

“I want you,” Anakin said. He inched back and cupped Obi-Wan’s chin, lifting it to make eye contact. He knew it now. How to explain, how to make Obi-Wan see. “I could have married Padmé. I didn’t, because I was already in love with you.” Obi-Wan opened his mouth, brow creasing, but Anakin talked over him. “I know you don’t particularly like that, but it’s true. I have loved you for a very long time. I gave up my chance at a relationship with Padmé knowing that I would never have you in the way that I wanted you. I gave it up, never even thinking that I would so much as get to hold you.”

He kissed Obi-Wan, tender and brief. “When you kissed me,” he went on, “that was more than I could ever have dreamed of.” It was hard, being this open, but he had to be. For Obi-Wan, and for them. “When you told me that you loved me, _that_ was more than I could ever have dreamed of. Every single day that I get to be close to you, that I get to hold you like this, is a day that I never thought I would get.” He swallowed. “Obi-Wan, you…”

Obi-Wan kissed him again, long and deep. It gave Anakin chance to compose himself, to blink away the clouds in his vision.

“I love you,” Anakin said when they had parted, leaving their foreheads pressed together. “I love you so much.” He resisted the urge to close his eyes, and instead gazed into Obi-Wan’s. It was vital that Obi-Wan know this. “I don’t need sex. I just need you.”

A tear broke free from Obi-Wan’s eye. Anakin stopped it with his finger and wiped it across his cheek.

“I would give you everything,” Obi-Wan said, and Anakin ached.

“I don’t need everything. You’ve already given me more than I have any right to ask for.”

“That doesn’t mean that you have to stop asking,” Obi-Wan said. “Or that I would ever want you to.”

“I know.” Anakin searched Obi-Wan’s face, pressed as close to his mind as he dared. “Do you understand, now?”

Obi-Wan smiled. It was weak, but genuine, and Anakin nearly melted before it. “You have made your point, Anakin. I’m sorry that it has taken so long. It’s simply that it is… difficult for me to think that you could be giving up something important to you, and that I could be the cause. I’m not worth that.”

“You are,” Anakin contradicted, “but I thought we had just established that our relationship is a net gain for me, not a loss.”

“So we had.” Familiar lines appeared at the corners of Obi-Wan’s eyes, then vanished. “I will do my best to remember what you’ve said. I am not about to renege on our agreement, though. I want to keep trying. I know I don’t have to,” he added quickly, “but I want to. I want to give you that, if I can.”

Anakin would acquiesce, with one condition. “Alright. Just promise me that if ever you change your mind, you will tell me. Loudly, and without hesitation. No playing the martyr.” He took a deep breath. “If I hurt you, even unknowingly, _especially_ unknowingly, it would kill me, Obi-Wan.”

“I promise,” Obi-Wan said. “And I’m sorry that I—Earlier. I should never have put you in that position. I wasn’t thinking.”

“I’d noticed,” Anakin said delicately. “Please don’t do that again.”

“I won’t.” A shadow crossed Obi-Wan’s face, and Anakin knew he understood the gravity of his actions. “Perhaps I have forfeited the right to ask, but will you promise me something in return?”

“You know I will.”

Obi-Wan looked doubtful, but continued. “Never be afraid to ask me anything, Anakin. It doesn’t matter what it is, or whether you think that you would get the answer you want. Ask me anyway. Even if you think it would hurt me. I would rather there be honesty and openness between us.”

“I can do that,” Anakin said.

“Can you?” Obi-Wan bit his lip. “I’m talking about asking things of me. Things that you want, that I may or may not be comfortable with. I might not be able to give you them now, or ever, but I still want you to ask me. To give me the chance to try. To decide for myself.”

The affection that Anakin felt for this man was boundless. Obi-Wan was incredible. He was the most incredible man, and Anakin knew that he was so ridiculously, undeservedly lucky to have him. What could he possibly ask for? What more could he possibly wish for than what he had?

“The only thing I would ask for,” Anakin said, “is your love.” That was all he truly wanted, all he had ever wanted.

Obi-Wan ran the pad of his thumb along the scar on Anakin’s face. “You have that, Anakin. You will always have that.”

Anakin raised his hand to meet Obi-Wan’s, lost in warmth, and in him. “Then I have everything.”

**Author's Note:**

> Casually comes out via fanfic... [Insert galaxy brain and "because of Obi-Wan" memes here].
> 
> Serious note: asexuality is not monolithic. This is one interpretation. Individual experiences are different for everyone, and they are all valid. The AVEN website is a good place if anyone wants info, though I'd argue that r/asexuality on reddit is even better, not least because it has more memes. 
> 
> Well, this fic literally came at me from nowhere. Happy that it did. FYI, the opening is as spicy as it is ever likely to get from me! One day I might surprise myself and write something that isn't hurt/comfort, but I won't be holding my breath. Also, can we just appreciate that "Asexual Obi-Wan Kenobi" is an actual tag?? This fandom rocks.


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